“I’ll try anything once!”

“Oh you know me – I’ll try anything once!”

“You know what I say – ‘try anything once!’”

Oh fuck off.

Seriously, if you’re really willing to try anything once, why don’t you anally savage yourself with a chainsaw and die, really? Try that once – or at the very least, try and spare at least one moment in your self-absorbed life where you don’t believe you’re a reckless, one-of-a-kind free spirit; purely because you’re willing to do a Tabasco shot. Try that. Once.

It peeves me, truly, because the awful people that say this repeatedly won’t try anything once (forgetting gardening-themed sodomy for a second). Notanything. Because the people who truly adhere to that principle rigidly through their life are usually locked up or institutionalized at Her Majesty’s pleasure. They’re the rapists, drug abusers and murderers of the world. Sociopaths, psychopaths or just bloody bonkers – they’ll do anything once. Forget dragging-it-up wearing a dress to a friend’s party lads – if you really want to compete you’ll have to wear it to a graveyard and fornicate with a dug-up skull. And a tattoo on your penis? You’ll have to hack it off with a pizza cutter and sauté it for supper before you impress me.

Actually, that second one was a lie – I’d more than likely be horrified. But I’m sure in hindsight it would be a real hoot.

“I’ll try anything once.”

“Twice if I like it!”

Oh hahahahahahahahaha – oh what a lunatic! What spirit! Run for the hills – we’ve got a right one on our hands!

Doesn’t it stand to reason you fucking morons? Why on earth wouldn’t you try it again? Am I missing something here? Everyone on this planet tries somethingonce at some point; their enjoyment of said thing usually determining whether they’ll try it again. In other words potentially thousands, maybe millions of people encounter something brand new each day. In the unfortunate instance where they dislike the thing that they encounter, be it an food, action, experience or whatever – the likelihood of them trying it again slims, often to the point where they won’t try it again. People, every day, trying things ‘once’ and ‘twice if they like it’ – yet a handful of perversely vain, smug twats believe they’re riding a crest of heroism high up above the rest of us mere mortals.

Maybe they are – maybe the vast majority of us are doomed to live a life in the shadows of these renegades; consigned to the metal skips of humanity to carry out our mundane chores and routines while these… behemoths of bravery tread where we dare not tread.

Or maybe, just maybe it’s just a case of self-fulfilling prophets picking and choosing the things that they’ll try once; the safe things, the legal things – the things they know they’ll enjoy in the first place, and dressing it up as an example of their ‘wild’ side.

I tried Crunchy Nut clusters once. Y’know what? Liked them. Know what I did then? Tried them again! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh I’m MAD me!

So how to round up this carefully constructed well-balanced insight into the fallacy of a well-known phrase… How about reconstructing it to make it more accurate?

Tit 1: “Say, buddy, would you like to try this here cocktail? It’s made with vodka what is stronger than what we usually drink and stuff.”

Tit 2: “Ha. You know me – I’ll try more or less anything (that is, things that are safe, tried-and-tested, legal, morally sound and generally accepted by society – forgoing anything that will make me appear desperate or sad, even though that is, in itself somewhat of an oxymoron) once; twice and indeed many more times should it be something that’s enjoyable – that being the most sensible decision to make I’m sure you’d agree.”

Tit 1: “Sorry, I don’t underst… did you want to try it?”