Searching for writing opportunities is a depressing way to spend your time if you’re someone that is that way inclined. The majority of postings on pages like Gumtree or actual legitimate job sites fall into one of two categories: paid ‘content’ writing jobs for virtually anonymous entities and unpaid slots for wanky, amateurish ‘zines’. Unless you fancy coming up with ‘imaginative’ content for a dentistry website or feel able to summon up some pretentious, misty-eyed prose for a ‘fresh, new’ NFP literary bi-monthly with a title like ‘Writer’s Ink’ you’re in no luck.

Dreams of being a journalist? Abandon them here. The internships are elsewhere – spread amongst those with the right connections and the willingness to get their name in a mailbox by handing out flyers and wearing a dumb t-shirt behind some marketing stall. It scarcely matters what you’ve got to say or how you say it – a vast ocean of writers out there in the space that lies between the five websites you generally visit on a daily basis drowns the chances of someone with a bit of talent or a story to tell from being found. You think anyone that works for a reputable publication has the time to sift through all the crap that the internet has to offer? Better to stack their chips on someone they’ve already been introduced to and hope that they produce something of note one day.

Getting ‘niche’ is apparently the key to any sort of self-sufficiency as a writer out there with your measly little blog and Facebook account. Pick something you can pose as an expert on and churn out regular copy that revolves around that subject. Say you know some shit about dog grooming – maybe it’s even your job – and you start writing some sort of thrice-weekly thing about your experiences. You write things like ‘5 best shampoos for long-haired dogs’ or ‘why dog coats are back in for 2014’ and soon people with similar interests start gravitating towards your blog. You generate a readership and start making a bit of money off advertising and affiliate links to dog grooming shopping sites. You write more and more posts about dog grooming – soon some magazine dedicated to dog upkeep names you as ‘best dog blog’ at that year’s awards. You get a paid role writing for one of the top dog magazines in the country, and you get to build your name as a legitimate writer.

But here’s the rub – YOU ONLY GET TO WRITE ABOUT DOGS ASSHOLE!

What’s that? You fancy branching into a heartfelt piece about tragedy in Syria? You’re a doggie scribbler! Who’s going to listen to what some puppy lover wants to say about war and diplomacy? You concede this brute fact and set about working on that 800-word piece on springer spaniel combing that’s due by lunch. Try not to cry. Try not to hate your life. Try to think of something other than dogs for a few minutes every day. Fail at all three of these.

Nobody just wants ‘a writer’ these days – they want someone who can produce an identifiable commodity. What are you selling? Who is this aimed at? How can this be monetized? Is it any wonder that all corners of the British press are trying to poke readers in the direction of their website by posting stuff about funny animals or clumsy citizens as ‘news’ on social media? THIS JUST IN – DOGS THAT LOOK JUST LIKE THEIR OWNERS; BREAKING NEWS – STUDENT GETS STUCK IN STONE VAGINA SCULPTURE. If you weren’t educated enough to know – or cynical enough to assume – the press do not care about the writing itself or whether the subject is worthy.

“How the fuck can we get these idiots to click through to our site and see all of this advertising?”

“Post that picture of the bear lying in that hammock. Don’t give too much away in the headline”

Conversations at least analogous to this are no doubt parroted across press offices on a daily basis. But the blame shouldn’t be placed squarely on the shoulders of fleet street’s finest – after all, the only reason why things are this way is that the majority of people struggle to give even an iota of a shit about quality writing or incisive journalism. No wonder the bastards can’t sell newspapers. How could they when their target readership get their kicks from doing ‘what kind of thing are you?’ quizzes and viewing the ‘top 34 pictures of best things ever’-type lists on sites like Buzzfeed?

Making money from writing (as opposed to creating ‘content’*) for most of us, will always be something of a pipedream. For those, like me, who still feel the bug but want to do it for something with at least a little more exposure than their own pitiful blog have little more to aspire towards than hypothetical zines like ‘Writer’s Ink’ (which may or may not actually exist) or infrequent competitions, which almost always insist on a ‘theme’:

“1500 words or less on the theme of journeys.”

“Currently accepting poetry submissions centring on wildernesses”.

Good luck to you if you just wanted to write truthfully about things that you’re aware of; all the best as you type away furiously about something that actually matters. The World, with its wallet, doesn’t particularly care. Carry on shouting into the void. At least you don’t have to write about fucking dogs or dentistry for the rest of your days.

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*I was a freelance content writer for a year and a half, churning out everything from made-up dating anecdotes to Littlewoods catalogue product descriptions. The whole fucking thing was soul-destroying but it at least opened my eyes to how much of the internet is penned by uninformed, blagging liars like I was set up to be.